Staying calm
The other day, a co-worker and friend asked me to talk about a topic that had her very overwhelmed, and I think it is something that worries all parents at some point.
How do we manage our own stress when children do something that gets us out of control or, for example, when they have mood swings that we don't understand?
My friend, in particular, asked me how she could stay calm during her daughter's hormonal changes due to pre-adolescence. "One day she is happy, another day she cries for no reason", it makes me very nervous"
This, without a doubt, can upset anyone, but we must unserstand they also get upset about this, since they do not understand their own mood or mood changes. I think it is important to downplay its importance and explain them that the change they are experiencing is totally normal and that little by little it will pass.
At family school we discussed this topic and they gave us a tool to manage our own stress. I try to apply it whenever I remember and the truth is that I have noticed that it no longer affects me as much or that I stay calm more easily than before. Even my oldest son has told me that I don't get as angry lately, which for me is an achievement.
How do we manage our own stress when children do something that gets us out of control or, for example, when they have mood swings that we don't understand?
My friend, in particular, asked me how she could stay calm during her daughter's hormonal changes due to pre-adolescence. "One day she is happy, another day she cries for no reason", it makes me very nervous"
This, without a doubt, can upset anyone, but we must unserstand they also get upset about this, since they do not understand their own mood or mood changes. I think it is important to downplay its importance and explain them that the change they are experiencing is totally normal and that little by little it will pass.
At family school we discussed this topic and they gave us a tool to manage our own stress. I try to apply it whenever I remember and the truth is that I have noticed that it no longer affects me as much or that I stay calm more easily than before. Even my oldest son has told me that I don't get as angry lately, which for me is an achievement.
Today I suggest you do this exercise with me.
Grab a pencil and paper and make a list from 0 to 10. At 0, we are going to imagine ourselves doing something really pleasant and very relaxing. For me, it would be lying on the beach, feeling the sun on my body and listening to the waves of the sea. That, without a doubt, would be my 0.
Number 5 would be something we do automatically, like cooking, ironing or driving, we don't need to concentrate on anything, we do it unconsciously and we are relaxed.
In number 10 we imagine the worst situation of our life, when we have lost our nerve due to something that has hurt us a lot or after an important loss, 10 symbolizes total chaos and the loss of control of our emotions.
On this scale from 1 to 10, we will see moods reflected according to intensity. If we are having a conversation with our children and suddenly we notice that we are going up from 5, we must be attentive, because when we are at 7, we need to stop.
Once we go beyond 7, we will say things that we may regret and we will be entering a state in which we lose control of our emotions. So, if we are aware of entering this state, it is best to cut off communication, go to another room in the house or even go for a walk. We can also do the same if we see that it is our son or daughter who loses his cool. In a state of anger, things are not seen clearly and anything we do or say at that moment can take its toll on us later.
When we enter the stage of adolescence, this can happen several times a day. It happens to me with my son and generally, by doing this, I avoid big arguments. We always try to talk when we are calm and when we are going up a level, we stop to return to the topic when we are again at level 5. It may seem complicated, but if we start using it little by little, it comes out unconsciously and that way, in addition to managing our emotions, we will also be teaching our sons and daughters to do so.
The important thing is to speak calmly with respect and always listening to the other person.
Number 5 would be something we do automatically, like cooking, ironing or driving, we don't need to concentrate on anything, we do it unconsciously and we are relaxed.
In number 10 we imagine the worst situation of our life, when we have lost our nerve due to something that has hurt us a lot or after an important loss, 10 symbolizes total chaos and the loss of control of our emotions.
On this scale from 1 to 10, we will see moods reflected according to intensity. If we are having a conversation with our children and suddenly we notice that we are going up from 5, we must be attentive, because when we are at 7, we need to stop.
Once we go beyond 7, we will say things that we may regret and we will be entering a state in which we lose control of our emotions. So, if we are aware of entering this state, it is best to cut off communication, go to another room in the house or even go for a walk. We can also do the same if we see that it is our son or daughter who loses his cool. In a state of anger, things are not seen clearly and anything we do or say at that moment can take its toll on us later.
When we enter the stage of adolescence, this can happen several times a day. It happens to me with my son and generally, by doing this, I avoid big arguments. We always try to talk when we are calm and when we are going up a level, we stop to return to the topic when we are again at level 5. It may seem complicated, but if we start using it little by little, it comes out unconsciously and that way, in addition to managing our emotions, we will also be teaching our sons and daughters to do so.
The important thing is to speak calmly with respect and always listening to the other person.
Some may think we are letting the teenager have his way at that moment, but it's not about winning, it's about not losing control. When a boy or girl sees that we lose control, they will know exactly what to do or say to get us out of our temper, that is called manipulation. We must try not to let them see us lose control, otherwise we will be vulnerable later.
By this I don't mean that I never lose my temper or that we never have arguments, but since we have been applying it, the arguments are much fewer and the communication is better.
All of this is a learning process and it takes time, but without a doubt we are on the right path.
Many times after a stressful day they do something and we react in a way that we later regret. Then guilt invades us, at least me.
It helps me a lot to know that I am making an effort to change and improve. We know that we are models for our sons and daughters, and how we behave now will be what they learn and, consequently, will influence their future behavior.
There are many techniques to manage stress and our emotional state, but this one seems simple and works for me, I encourage you to try it.
Of course it can be applied to any area of our life, with other family members, friends, co-workers, etc...
I hope it helps you and if you feel like it, tell me how it went.
By this I don't mean that I never lose my temper or that we never have arguments, but since we have been applying it, the arguments are much fewer and the communication is better.
All of this is a learning process and it takes time, but without a doubt we are on the right path.
Many times after a stressful day they do something and we react in a way that we later regret. Then guilt invades us, at least me.
It helps me a lot to know that I am making an effort to change and improve. We know that we are models for our sons and daughters, and how we behave now will be what they learn and, consequently, will influence their future behavior.
There are many techniques to manage stress and our emotional state, but this one seems simple and works for me, I encourage you to try it.
Of course it can be applied to any area of our life, with other family members, friends, co-workers, etc...
I hope it helps you and if you feel like it, tell me how it went.
A hug,
Cris
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